Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
