last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
