Only a mothe r could love this liver
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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