mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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