we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
