Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Semen is not good for contacts.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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