New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
