and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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