Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
