I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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