Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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