Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
