I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Text me some of your sweat
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
