shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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