i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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