honey bunches of taint.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
50% drunk capacity currently
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
