3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
