I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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