I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
