I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
