he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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