it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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