I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We left the knife in your bed.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
