I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
