My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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