so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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