There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
