coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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