every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
