You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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