oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
