what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
