Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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