That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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