apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
In America we eat man semen.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm sobbing to NWA
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
