I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
