ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
