yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
