Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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