i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
