i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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