for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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