Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
