i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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