On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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