I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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