your parents love me but you hate me
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
