I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
