he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
