Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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